Dunkin' Donuts-- Our Other Religion

Coffee, coffee, coffee. I love it. It is my life-blood, the best part of my mornings. If I could get coffee administered intravenously, I would. And as a Masshole, my coffee loyalty lies with the pink and orange of Dunkin' Donuts.

We love our Dunkin', almost as much as we love the Sox (see New England Sports post for details). Walk into any high school/place of work/mall/physical space in Massachusetts, and you're likely to spot at least one Dunkin' Donuts cup. And I mean, it makes sense-- there's one every couple of exits on the highway, and one in every town in MA that matters.

Seriously.

Most of the Dunks' drinks you'll see will be iced coffee. This goes back to our inability to notice frigid temperatures, but Massholes will drink their iced Dunks in any weather. (We're kind of like the postal service of cold beverages, "neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night... will deter us from a giant iced coffee.)

Dunks has more than coffee; they serve a pretty extensive menu of dessert for breakfast, and bagels. It's actually a sweet deal-- caffeinate yourself, and carbo-load at the same time? Masshole genius.

NYC isn't immune to the power of Dunkin' Donuts (thank God). There are locations around the US that are hundreds of miles removed from a Dunks, an it always feels like I've left civilization when that happens. In New York City, I live within a 5 block radius of three, and there are two Dunks in the immediate area of my campus. While the Big Apple isn't fiercely loyal to DD like Massachusetts is, it's still a wide-spread, and gloriously easily-accessed watering hole for your caffeine (hot or iced) needs in the big city. 

You've all heard the classic tagline for Dunkin', which is "America Runs on Dunkin'". Massholes know better. With Dunks being the official coffee of most/all of our sports teams, and having locations every couple of miles around the state, we know that its us that "run on Dunkin'"

And so my dear readers, the time has come for your chance to win a Dunkin' Donuts gift card, provided by yours truly. Leave a comment on this post with your favorite song by a Boston band or your favorite thing to get at Dunks, and you could be the proud owner of a $15 Dunks gift card. Winner will be announced on Saturday. 

In Remembrance, Boston Strong

This post deviates from my usually snarky and (in my opinion) humorous posts.

On this sunny spring day, we recall the second anniversary of the Boston Marathon bombing. The whole city stood still today as bells chimed to mark the tragic event.

Today, we remember the three people who were killed in the attack and the 260+ others who were wounded. The bombing did shake our community in Boston, however it also brought us closer together. So much was lost that day, but the city banded together in courage and support.

We wear the blue and yellow in remembrance of those who were taken from us on that horrible day, those who were injured in the attack, and those who risked their own safety in order to help those who need it. 

We will never forget, and we will always remain Boston Strong.

New England Sports-- It’s a Religion

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate New England sports and all the traditions that accompany our favorite Masshole teams.

You might think I'm kidding about how seriously we Massholes take our sports, but you would be sorely mistaken. To put it in perspective, I've attended at least one Red Sox game every year since I was born, no questions asked. The fan base that surrounds New England professional sports can aptly be described as a religion (maybe even a cult, depending on the season). Keeping with the religious tone of the topic, this post will discuss the "10 Commandments of New England Pro Sports". Sit back, play some Dropkick Murphy's, and add your favorite Masshole sports tradition/team/et cetera in the comments.

1. Thou shalt admit that Fenway is truly the "Masshole Mecca". Die-hard Sox fans make it their life's mission to journey to Fenway as frequently as possible. Our stadium might not be the biggest, newest or fanciest, but it has history, sentimental value and iconic hot dogs that make the experience inimitable. 
   
2. All Massholes shall take rivalries damn seriously. Be it against the Yankees in baseball, or the Lakers in basketball, we stand by our teams, and are relentlessly loyal. These rivalries transcend borders as well, and the Bruins long-standing rivalry with the Montreal Canadiens in hockey is still fiercely present. Some may call our loyalty classless and ridiculous; we call it love. 
3. Ye shall always revere the Sox reversing the curse. The 2004 World Series was one of the greatest moments for Boston fans. It trumped every momentous event in your life, including your cousin's wedding, getting that new puppy and passing the bar (not that bar, you lush). 
4. Thou shall root for two baseball teams-- the Red Sox and whoever beats the damn Yankees. *Slogan available on t-shirts everywhere in the 617
5. Ye all secretly wish the Celtics would bring the Larry Bird- style shorts back as the team's official uniform. Short-shorts and a tucked-in shirt have never looked so good. 
   
6. Ye Masshole fans shall be constantly agitated on game day, no matter if we're winning or losing. We invest ourselves so deeply into every games that we can't sit still during for more than half an inning/quarter/period (sometimes because we're making multiple trips back to the snack bar to grab more beer and pretzels). Even when you're watching at home, the emotional investment doesn't waver  bit. Masshole-centric neighborhoods echo with the collective cheers/groans/"LUUUUUUUC"/insults at the ref during game day. 
7. Thou shalt shed a tear whenever our teams win a championship (most recently when we slayed at the Superbowl-- the tears were ever-flowing). My dad still gets weepy when anyone mentions the 2001 Pats win. Even this wicked glorious image makes you a little teary in the best possible way.
   
8. Ye all (men and women) will openly admit Tom Brady is a national treasure, and supporting his gorgeous face both on and off the field. The man, the myth, the legend, the perfection. 
9. Ye shall attend at least one Rhode Island Pawtucket Red Sox games once in your life. Go take a little road trip to McCoy Stadium.The minor leagues deserve our support just as much as the big guys. 
10. Thou shalt take joy in upholding the traditions of sporting events. Singing "Sweet Caroline" at a Sox game, tailgating in the Gillette Stadium parking lot before at Pats game, getting an iconic Fenway Frank, and hating the Habs are all part of being a Boston fan, and we wouldn't trade it for all the Yankees World Series pennants. 
    

New York sports teams are arguably the biggest rivals of New England teams, the Yankees, and Giants being two of the more (in)famous ones. The nightmare of wearing a Boston jersey in any of the 5 boroughs is wicked real (I may be a crazy Masshole, but I’m not insane-- you’ll never catch me in a Big Papi shirt above 125^th street). And to any “Massholes” who own a Yankees hat, get your priorities straight and come back to the light side—we have Belichick. 

Dunks of the Day: Iced coffee (IT'S WICKED NICE WEATHER OUT HALLE-FRICKIN-LUJAH!) with blueberry flavor. I'm not going to bother talking about the Sweet'n'Low count...

Bang a U-ey or Get off the Road-- The Masshole’s Guide to Driving

Over the decades, we have earned the reputation for being highly efficient/aggressive drivers who have no idea what a turn signal is, and disregard speed limits like it is our job. To out-of-state drivers traversing our highways and scenic routes, we are hazards behind the wheel, and a menace to public safety. To our own people, we are just Massholes.

According to Urban Dictionary (my go-to source), the most commonly used meaning of “Masshole” refers to the driving habits of people in the Bay State. Having gotten my driver’s license in MA and driven there for a few years, I can fully attest to this claim.

 There is always an appropriate reason to refer to another driver as a “Masshole”— erratic driving, excessive aggression, DRIVING 20 MPH BELOW THE SPEED LIMIT ON 495, (personal pet peeve) et cetera are all acceptable justifications for saying “Masshole”. If someone cuts you off in traffic, you call him a Masshole; maybe you give them a single-fingered wave. If someone backs down the highway because they missed their exit ramp, you ask/scream what the name of God they are thinking and you call them a crazy bleeping Masshole.

We’ve all seen it happen.

There are several ‘Masshole rules of the road’ that are vital when driving in MA, but rarely (if ever) apply to any other locale’s driving etiquette. For any out-of-towners who want to drive through MA or vacation there, follow these unwritten laws to survive the heart attacks of I-90, potholes, and us Massholes.

1. Blinkers are optional. If I’m going to make that turn, I don’t need to run it past you by using my blinker to make sure you’re cool with it. However, I’ll be livid when you merge lanes without a turn signal.
2. It’s not speeding if you have somewhere important to be. You’re going places and you wanna do it fast. And speed limits are guidelines anyways.
3. “Banging a U-ey” (making a U-turn) is always acceptable if you can do it fast enough.
4.  Watch out for the “Masshole Merge”— this is when a driver crosses all lanes on a highway in one fell swoop. It can be jarring for other people on the road, but it’s better than that same guy backing down the highway to make his exit.
   
5. Spring driving in MA is like slalom skiing in a motor vehicle. The potholes are everywhere and deep enough to hide a body in. Avoiding those craters in the road is an Olympic-level challenge. (See first GIF on this post for visual example). 
6. Road Rage-- it’s an art form. From screaming belligerently at other drivers who can't hear you, to throwing your hands up in frustration/confusion/incredulity, all Massholes know that the open road is the best place to express your emotions. It's even better than your therapist's office.
7. For safety reasons, always look both ways when running a red light. This is self explanatory. 
8. If you're going the "wrong way" on a one-way street, don't panic-- all streets are one way because your driving in a single direction. But be alert. When you are on a one way street, stay to the right to allow for oncoming traffic to pass. 

Of course, there are dozens of other Masshole Rules of the Road that I haven't listed, but use this list as your starter kit for driving in the Bay State. Leave a comment with your must-have driving rule/driving pet peeve/best Masshole moment behind the wheel. 

Dunks of the Day: Dunkies 'Regular' Iced Coffee (Massholes ya feel me?) 

Stay tuned to win a DD gift card in the next couple of posts.