Massholes Take the MoMA

My sister from the 508 came to NYC for a long weekend, and becuase she's a cool kid, we went to the MoMA (or the Museum of Modern Art for the plebeians out there).

We walked from Herald Square to the MoMA, which is only 15 blocks, but in 3 degree weather, it was The Nightmare. Even though it's always shorts weather for Massholes, this was cold & RIDIC. Before we got going, we stopped at a Dunks, and weirded out the cashiers by ordering iced coffees. We explained to them that "it was a Masshole thing", but they were zero percent  convinced.

So freezing. So worth it.

After slogging uptown to the MoMA, we quickly realized what disturbing reality we had just payed to enter. Dear God, was it disturbing.

We started on the 2nd floor, at an exhibit called "Take an Object" which looked like insanity captured on canvases and other mediums. The sis and I visibly recoiled at pretty much every piece of "art" that we saw. It's like the artist combined three recreational drugs, injected them intravenously, smushed together some paint and things, and made up a deep backstory for what it represents. And those backstories only make sense when you're on drugs as well, so....

Some of the most disturbing pieces we saw are...

"Art No. 1": This terrifying armchair covered in dirty, white... dildos?

Uhhhhhhhhhh...

"Art No. 2": Chicken wire in a cylindrical shape with long hair tied to it. Yum. Seriously, what could this represent, other than the newest villain of one of my recurring nightmares?

Massholes wearing sunglasses indoors & not getting the "art".

"Art No. 3": Rocks. Literally. What is so poignant about stones in a glass case? This is the kind of "art" installment I'd make if I was totally wasted and desperate. 

The kid I nanny could make this. He's 4.

On our way up to the other levels of the museum, we saw a rehearsal for some unknown installment going on. No one spoke, the actors moved in jolting, weird ways, and everyone looked pained to be in that painfully bizarre situation. It lasted the three hours we were at the museum. Three. Hours. 

Overall, it was a good experience to have, but these Masshole siblings are going to say "been there, never going back" to the MoMA after this first visit. We've been disturbed enough for a lifetime after our adventure there. I think we'll be sticking to the Met. 

So, who's afraid terrified of modern art? These Masshole ladies, for sure.

Leave a comment telling me your favorite piece of art, and/or your fave museum to spend the day in!

Tom Brady: A New England Treasure

Tom Brady
#12
New England's Sweetheart
FOOTBALL'S NATIONAL TREASURE

Okay, you get the idea. We Massholes LOVE Tom Brady. Adore him. Some might even say we "worship" that football-tossing prince. They would be correct.

Tom Brady is AMAZING for so many reasons, but here are my Top 4 (keeping it a nice, even number)...

1) Tom Brady holds some pretty sweet NFL records. We New Englander's like to set the bar high, and boy did Tommy step up to the plate and deliver. His name is attached to football records that I found on Wikipedia like...

• Highest completion percentage, post-season game (minimum 20 attempts): 92.9
• Highest completion percentage, game (minimum 6 TD passes): 85.3
• Longest pass completion: 99 yards (tied with 12 other QB's)
• Most Passing Touchdowns, Season, Away: 29
• Most Games 3+ TD Passes, Season: 12
• Most consecutive home games with 1+ touchdown pass: 47
• Most Consecutive Uninterrupted Games, 1+ Touchdown Passes: 52
• Most Consecutive Games, 3+ Touchdown Passes: 10
• Most Passing Touchdowns, one quarter: 5

There are dozens more records held and set by Brady, but I don't have room/want to look for them all because he is that good. And I am that lazy. 

THROW LIKE YOU MEAN IT TOMMY!

2) He's got an adorable family (the Brady-Bundchen family is basically a new branch of NE royalty now). Brady and his literal supermodel wife Gisele Bundchen have two adorable kids together (Benjamin and Vivian), and the whole family is unbelievably gorgeous.

10/10 would photograph again.

3) The Superbowl and Tom Brady are basically synonymous by this point. Yeah, he may not have made it this year, but he's played in 6 in his relatively short career, which is wicked impressive for ANY player/quarterback. How many rings do you have Peyton? Hmmmm??? Thought so...

Tommy wearing the heck out of his Superbowl championship rings.

4) Not only is he an amazing quarterback for the best football team to every exist, but Brady is also passionate about volunteering. As a celebrity athlete, Brady can help get charities much needed attention and donations through his participation, and he is very generous in that sense. Brady has volunteered with Best Buddies International, and the Boys & Girls Clubs of America, among other charities.

In the Best Buddies bike-a-thon on Cape Cod

There you have it Massholes (and other awesome readers). My top 4 reasons for why Tom Brady is AMAZING. I left out "perfect eye candy" because you'd have to be wicked blind (or boring) to not feel me there. Feast on the pics of Brady in all his glory up above, and leave a comment saying who is your favorite football player and why.

P.S. If it's not Tommy, YOU'RE WRONG. Kay, bye.

Falling for Autumn in the Dead of Winter

In October, I jaunted back to the 508 for a few days to see my family (and their adorable French exchange student). Seeing my parents and mini-Masshole sister was awesome, but so were all the fall-centric New England activities we did.
Here I've compiled a list of all the autumnal things all serious Massholes check off their list during the classic NE season. Please enjoy these photos while we FREEZE under the mountains of snow that are about to be dumped on the East Coast this weekend.

1) Apple Picking

At Berlin Orchard in Berlin, MA

Macs (no, not the computer, you techie)

2) APPLE CIDER DONUTS

Not Dunks, but still wicked awesome

3) Hay Rides

Superior Mode of Transport

4) Checking out the foliage while speeding driving down the Mass Pike

There are so many more amazing things to do during fall in New England, but these are some pf my personal favorites!
Leave a comment with your favorite autumn activity, and think of Massachusetts for your next fall vacation (this perfection is just a few short months away). 

Historically Accurate (You’re Welcome America)

I'm sure the last thing you want on the Internet is a schooling lesson from yours truly. Have no fear-- this is Masshole History 617, and you'll ace it.

Massachusetts has played a significant role in American history since the Pilgrims, seeking religious freedom, founded Plymouth Colony in 1620. As one of the most important of the 13 colonies, and one of the six New England states, Massachusetts became a leader in resisting British oppression. In 1773, the Boston Tea Party protested unjust taxation. English explorer and colonist John Smith named the state for the Massachuset tribe. Boston, the state capital, was a hotbed of activity, including the Boston Massacre and the Boston Tea Party, during the American Revolution. Our state is also known for sparking the American Industrial Revolution with the growth of textile mills in Lowell, and for its large Irish-American population.

We've been around forever. Massholes were at the birth of our great nation, 
and continue to thrive in their native habitat.

Capital: Boston; "Bahstahn"

Population: 6,547,629 (2010)

Nickname: Bay State

Motto: Ense petit placidam sub libertate quietem (“By the sword we seek peace, but peace only under liberty”)

Flower: mayflower (1918)

Tree: American elm (1941)

Bird: Chickadee (1941)

Song: “All Hail to Massachusetts” (1966)-- I figured it was "Shipping Up to Boston"...

Beverage: Cranberry juice (1970)-- The bogs are so gorgeous. And you thought the Cape was all sand and booze.

Insect: Ladybug (1974)-- So cute!

Cookie: chocolate chip (1997)-- The ubiquitous Tollhouse Chocolate chip cookie was invented by Ruth Wakefield, an inn owner in Whitman, MA. 

Dessert: Boston cream pie (1996)-- Is it even a question?


Historical Sites You Went on Field Trips to as a Young'un

Carriage Rides and Churning Butter @ Old Sturbridge Village

Plymouth Rock (the subject of so many School House Rock songs #memories)

THE BRITISH ARE COMING... to Paul Revere's house in Boston

Battleship Cove in Fall River

The New Bedford Whaling Museum

Walking The Freedom Trail

Famous Bay-Staters in History

Samuel Adams patriot
Louisa May Alcott writer
Susan B. Anthony woman suffragist
Clara Barton American Red Cross founder
Benjamin Franklin statesman and scientist
John Hancock statesman
Nathaniel Hawthorne novelist
Herman Melville writer
Edgar Allan Poe writer (nevermore...)
Paul Revere silversmith and Revolutionary War figure
Henry David Thoreau author
Eli Whitney inventor

Needless to say, Massachusetts is home to bad-ass historical figures, epic sites that hold fond memories for us, and anyone who reads a US history book, and a whole mess of adorable official state items. 

Leave a comment sharing your favorite thing about historical MA!

"Wicked Awesome" & Other Masshole Slang

For the first time in months, I was told "...and I love your accent".

I'm pretty sure I don't have the typical Boston accent (you can hear all my "r's" and I'm too much of a prep for that). However, I do forget that when I use inherently "Masshole" terminology, it confuses people from out of state. And considering I go to school with a large population of Texans and Californians, things can get dicey fast. Words like "rotary" aren't just for phones in MA, and calling something/someone the derogatory term "wicked" can be the greatest compliment in the 617/508/413. 

I've compiled a list of "frequently heard Masshole terms" for all those who have ever questioned my sanity based on the highly regionally-specific slang I use in every day conversation. Definitions brought to you by Masshole.com and Boston College, and edited by yours truly. 

• Breakdown Lane-- Highway shoulder. Also, an oxymoron -- the last place you want to break down in greater Boston is in the breakdown lane, especially during rush hour, when it becomes the high-speed lane (in some places, even legally).

• Bubbler-- That's a water fountain to the rest of the country/world.

• Candlepins-- Boston bowling; involves tiny little pins and tiny little balls (the pins are so hard to hit, you get three tries a frame).

• The Cape - Cape Cod

• Children's - Children's Hospital Boston

• Comm Ave - Commonwealth Avenue

• The Common - Boston Common. Never "Boston Commons", unless you want to cement your out-of-stater status. 

• Decked - adj., dressed nicely ("decked out"); past tense verb, to have been punched

• Jimmies - Those little chocolate sprinkles you get on top of your ice cream cone.

• Packie - Where you buy liquor. Used to be closed on Sundays, but voters repealed most of the remaining Blue Laws in Nov., 1994. (Take that AA). 

• The Pike - The Massachusetts Turnpike. Also, the world's longest parking lot, at least out by Sturbridge on the day before Thanksgiving.

• Rotary - A traffic circle. One of Massachusetts' two main contributions to the art of traffic regulation (the other being the red-and-yellow pedestrian-crossing light).

• Sketchy - A term used, most often by teenagers, referring to something strange or out of place (such as a suspicious person). This has had a recent resurgence in popularity and is big with the ages 12-16 Masshole crowd. 

• The T - The Boston subway system. Represents the triumph of sweaty logic, or something, because it does not actually stand for any single word.

• Triple-decker - Boston's contribution to architecture -- a narrow, three-story house, in which each floor is a separate apartment. 

• Westa Wuhstuh - Terra incognita; beyond the bounds of civilization; my father's birthplace; location of the New England Six Flags.

• Wicked - A general intensifier: "He's wicked loud!" Almost always used as an adverb, rather than an adjective. Some Bostonians feel it is grammatically improper not to put an adjective or verb after "wicked"... they would be correct. 

• Wicked pissa! - Something that's way cool.

Fellow Massholes, feel free to comment and add your own words or phrases that I forgot. 

Confused out-of-staters, y'all can leave comments with any remaining questions you have.

Also, a wicked big shout out to my Russian readers! They've been incredibly loyal, and I truly appreciate their readership and continued dedication to Big Apple Masshole. 
Спасибо всем большое за чтение моего блога. Вы были превосходны в моем блоге аудитории , и я ценю вас очень много.

Masshole Clothing from Sully's Brand

Other than highly weather inappropriate shorts in the winter and ubiquitous Red Sox jerseys Massholes don't really have a set "uniform". For most of the Massholes in suburbia, it's safe to assume that you can find them in jeans, a T-shirt and a baseball cap. For the people who live and work in the big city (Boston) donning a tie or maybe a crisp blazer will do the trick. 

However, for those of us that really want to represent our "Masshole pride" look no further in the apparel sold at Sully's Brand clothing.  With a physical location in the lovely town of Peabody, and an online store on the great, wide web, shoppers can find a plethora of Boston and Masshole themed apparel. From hats, to beer steins to sweatshirts emblazoned with "Masshole", "Boston", or any of our sports team logos, Sully's Brand has it all.

I'll link Sully's website for those of you who don't need to read the rest of this post because you're already convinced. However for those of you that are interested in reading the post let me tell you little bit about the item I bought at Sully's.

I am the proud owner of a clever and comfy Masshole T-shirt. Done in the "Jack Daniels label" style, this black and white homage to Mass townie pride is sure to be a wardrobe staple. The crew neck cotton shirt is comfortable enough for lounging around on game day, and shows off your love of the Bay State to a T. Personally, crew necks drive me bananas, so I cut a small notch on mine to loosen the neck, and add a new aesthetic touch.

One of my favorite aspects of this shirt is the word "attitude". Masshole a have plenty of it, and wearing one of my character traits can serve as a proper warning for those that come into contact with me.

Final shout out to Sully's Brand and their dedication to making their customer happy-- they included a free car freshener and bumper sticker with the shirt. While I don't drive in the city (to everyone's benefit), it was a cute touch, and definitely did not go unnoticed.

Overall, a big thanks to Sully's Brand and their fantastic products. Keep doing what you're doing guys, and stay #BostonStrong.

http://www.sullysbrand.com/ 

Dunkin' Donuts-- Our Other Religion

Coffee, coffee, coffee. I love it. It is my life-blood, the best part of my mornings. If I could get coffee administered intravenously, I would. And as a Masshole, my coffee loyalty lies with the pink and orange of Dunkin' Donuts.

We love our Dunkin', almost as much as we love the Sox (see New England Sports post for details). Walk into any high school/place of work/mall/physical space in Massachusetts, and you're likely to spot at least one Dunkin' Donuts cup. And I mean, it makes sense-- there's one every couple of exits on the highway, and one in every town in MA that matters.

Seriously.

Most of the Dunks' drinks you'll see will be iced coffee. This goes back to our inability to notice frigid temperatures, but Massholes will drink their iced Dunks in any weather. (We're kind of like the postal service of cold beverages, "neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night... will deter us from a giant iced coffee.)

Dunks has more than coffee; they serve a pretty extensive menu of dessert for breakfast, and bagels. It's actually a sweet deal-- caffeinate yourself, and carbo-load at the same time? Masshole genius.

NYC isn't immune to the power of Dunkin' Donuts (thank God). There are locations around the US that are hundreds of miles removed from a Dunks, an it always feels like I've left civilization when that happens. In New York City, I live within a 5 block radius of three, and there are two Dunks in the immediate area of my campus. While the Big Apple isn't fiercely loyal to DD like Massachusetts is, it's still a wide-spread, and gloriously easily-accessed watering hole for your caffeine (hot or iced) needs in the big city. 

You've all heard the classic tagline for Dunkin', which is "America Runs on Dunkin'". Massholes know better. With Dunks being the official coffee of most/all of our sports teams, and having locations every couple of miles around the state, we know that its us that "run on Dunkin'"

And so my dear readers, the time has come for your chance to win a Dunkin' Donuts gift card, provided by yours truly. Leave a comment on this post with your favorite song by a Boston band or your favorite thing to get at Dunks, and you could be the proud owner of a $15 Dunks gift card. Winner will be announced on Saturday.