Bang a U-ey or Get off the Road-- The Masshole’s Guide to Driving

Over the decades, we have earned the reputation for being highly efficient/aggressive drivers who have no idea what a turn signal is, and disregard speed limits like it is our job. To out-of-state drivers traversing our highways and scenic routes, we are hazards behind the wheel, and a menace to public safety. To our own people, we are just Massholes.

According to Urban Dictionary (my go-to source), the most commonly used meaning of “Masshole” refers to the driving habits of people in the Bay State. Having gotten my driver’s license in MA and driven there for a few years, I can fully attest to this claim.

 There is always an appropriate reason to refer to another driver as a “Masshole”— erratic driving, excessive aggression, DRIVING 20 MPH BELOW THE SPEED LIMIT ON 495, (personal pet peeve) et cetera are all acceptable justifications for saying “Masshole”. If someone cuts you off in traffic, you call him a Masshole; maybe you give them a single-fingered wave. If someone backs down the highway because they missed their exit ramp, you ask/scream what the name of God they are thinking and you call them a crazy bleeping Masshole.

We’ve all seen it happen.

There are several ‘Masshole rules of the road’ that are vital when driving in MA, but rarely (if ever) apply to any other locale’s driving etiquette. For any out-of-towners who want to drive through MA or vacation there, follow these unwritten laws to survive the heart attacks of I-90, potholes, and us Massholes.

1. Blinkers are optional. If I’m going to make that turn, I don’t need to run it past you by using my blinker to make sure you’re cool with it. However, I’ll be livid when you merge lanes without a turn signal.
2. It’s not speeding if you have somewhere important to be. You’re going places and you wanna do it fast. And speed limits are guidelines anyways.
3. “Banging a U-ey” (making a U-turn) is always acceptable if you can do it fast enough.
4.  Watch out for the “Masshole Merge”— this is when a driver crosses all lanes on a highway in one fell swoop. It can be jarring for other people on the road, but it’s better than that same guy backing down the highway to make his exit.
   
5. Spring driving in MA is like slalom skiing in a motor vehicle. The potholes are everywhere and deep enough to hide a body in. Avoiding those craters in the road is an Olympic-level challenge. (See first GIF on this post for visual example). 
6. Road Rage-- it’s an art form. From screaming belligerently at other drivers who can't hear you, to throwing your hands up in frustration/confusion/incredulity, all Massholes know that the open road is the best place to express your emotions. It's even better than your therapist's office.
7. For safety reasons, always look both ways when running a red light. This is self explanatory. 
8. If you're going the "wrong way" on a one-way street, don't panic-- all streets are one way because your driving in a single direction. But be alert. When you are on a one way street, stay to the right to allow for oncoming traffic to pass. 

Of course, there are dozens of other Masshole Rules of the Road that I haven't listed, but use this list as your starter kit for driving in the Bay State. Leave a comment with your must-have driving rule/driving pet peeve/best Masshole moment behind the wheel. 

Dunks of the Day: Dunkies 'Regular' Iced Coffee (Massholes ya feel me?) 

Stay tuned to win a DD gift card in the next couple of posts.