Historically Accurate (You’re Welcome America)

I'm sure the last thing you want on the Internet is a schooling lesson from yours truly. Have no fear-- this is Masshole History 617, and you'll ace it.

Massachusetts has played a significant role in American history since the Pilgrims, seeking religious freedom, founded Plymouth Colony in 1620. As one of the most important of the 13 colonies, and one of the six New England states, Massachusetts became a leader in resisting British oppression. In 1773, the Boston Tea Party protested unjust taxation. English explorer and colonist John Smith named the state for the Massachuset tribe. Boston, the state capital, was a hotbed of activity, including the Boston Massacre and the Boston Tea Party, during the American Revolution. Our state is also known for sparking the American Industrial Revolution with the growth of textile mills in Lowell, and for its large Irish-American population.

We've been around forever. Massholes were at the birth of our great nation, 
and continue to thrive in their native habitat.

Capital: Boston; "Bahstahn"

Population: 6,547,629 (2010)

Nickname: Bay State

Motto: Ense petit placidam sub libertate quietem (“By the sword we seek peace, but peace only under liberty”)

Flower: mayflower (1918)

Tree: American elm (1941)

Bird: Chickadee (1941)

Song: “All Hail to Massachusetts” (1966)-- I figured it was "Shipping Up to Boston"...

Beverage: Cranberry juice (1970)-- The bogs are so gorgeous. And you thought the Cape was all sand and booze.

Insect: Ladybug (1974)-- So cute!

Cookie: chocolate chip (1997)-- The ubiquitous Tollhouse Chocolate chip cookie was invented by Ruth Wakefield, an inn owner in Whitman, MA. 

Dessert: Boston cream pie (1996)-- Is it even a question?


Historical Sites You Went on Field Trips to as a Young'un

Carriage Rides and Churning Butter @ Old Sturbridge Village

Plymouth Rock (the subject of so many School House Rock songs #memories)

THE BRITISH ARE COMING... to Paul Revere's house in Boston

Battleship Cove in Fall River

The New Bedford Whaling Museum

Walking The Freedom Trail

Famous Bay-Staters in History

Samuel Adams patriot
Louisa May Alcott writer
Susan B. Anthony woman suffragist
Clara Barton American Red Cross founder
Benjamin Franklin statesman and scientist
John Hancock statesman
Nathaniel Hawthorne novelist
Herman Melville writer
Edgar Allan Poe writer (nevermore...)
Paul Revere silversmith and Revolutionary War figure
Henry David Thoreau author
Eli Whitney inventor

Needless to say, Massachusetts is home to bad-ass historical figures, epic sites that hold fond memories for us, and anyone who reads a US history book, and a whole mess of adorable official state items. 

Leave a comment sharing your favorite thing about historical MA!

"Wicked Awesome" & Other Masshole Slang

For the first time in months, I was told "...and I love your accent".

I'm pretty sure I don't have the typical Boston accent (you can hear all my "r's" and I'm too much of a prep for that). However, I do forget that when I use inherently "Masshole" terminology, it confuses people from out of state. And considering I go to school with a large population of Texans and Californians, things can get dicey fast. Words like "rotary" aren't just for phones in MA, and calling something/someone the derogatory term "wicked" can be the greatest compliment in the 617/508/413. 

I've compiled a list of "frequently heard Masshole terms" for all those who have ever questioned my sanity based on the highly regionally-specific slang I use in every day conversation. Definitions brought to you by Masshole.com and Boston College, and edited by yours truly. 

• Breakdown Lane-- Highway shoulder. Also, an oxymoron -- the last place you want to break down in greater Boston is in the breakdown lane, especially during rush hour, when it becomes the high-speed lane (in some places, even legally).

• Bubbler-- That's a water fountain to the rest of the country/world.

• Candlepins-- Boston bowling; involves tiny little pins and tiny little balls (the pins are so hard to hit, you get three tries a frame).

• The Cape - Cape Cod

• Children's - Children's Hospital Boston

• Comm Ave - Commonwealth Avenue

• The Common - Boston Common. Never "Boston Commons", unless you want to cement your out-of-stater status. 

• Decked - adj., dressed nicely ("decked out"); past tense verb, to have been punched

• Jimmies - Those little chocolate sprinkles you get on top of your ice cream cone.

• Packie - Where you buy liquor. Used to be closed on Sundays, but voters repealed most of the remaining Blue Laws in Nov., 1994. (Take that AA). 

• The Pike - The Massachusetts Turnpike. Also, the world's longest parking lot, at least out by Sturbridge on the day before Thanksgiving.

• Rotary - A traffic circle. One of Massachusetts' two main contributions to the art of traffic regulation (the other being the red-and-yellow pedestrian-crossing light).

• Sketchy - A term used, most often by teenagers, referring to something strange or out of place (such as a suspicious person). This has had a recent resurgence in popularity and is big with the ages 12-16 Masshole crowd. 

• The T - The Boston subway system. Represents the triumph of sweaty logic, or something, because it does not actually stand for any single word.

• Triple-decker - Boston's contribution to architecture -- a narrow, three-story house, in which each floor is a separate apartment. 

• Westa Wuhstuh - Terra incognita; beyond the bounds of civilization; my father's birthplace; location of the New England Six Flags.

• Wicked - A general intensifier: "He's wicked loud!" Almost always used as an adverb, rather than an adjective. Some Bostonians feel it is grammatically improper not to put an adjective or verb after "wicked"... they would be correct. 

• Wicked pissa! - Something that's way cool.

Fellow Massholes, feel free to comment and add your own words or phrases that I forgot. 

Confused out-of-staters, y'all can leave comments with any remaining questions you have.

Also, a wicked big shout out to my Russian readers! They've been incredibly loyal, and I truly appreciate their readership and continued dedication to Big Apple Masshole. 
Спасибо всем большое за чтение моего блога. Вы были превосходны в моем блоге аудитории , и я ценю вас очень много.

Masshole Clothing from Sully's Brand

Other than highly weather inappropriate shorts in the winter and ubiquitous Red Sox jerseys Massholes don't really have a set "uniform". For most of the Massholes in suburbia, it's safe to assume that you can find them in jeans, a T-shirt and a baseball cap. For the people who live and work in the big city (Boston) donning a tie or maybe a crisp blazer will do the trick. 

However, for those of us that really want to represent our "Masshole pride" look no further in the apparel sold at Sully's Brand clothing.  With a physical location in the lovely town of Peabody, and an online store on the great, wide web, shoppers can find a plethora of Boston and Masshole themed apparel. From hats, to beer steins to sweatshirts emblazoned with "Masshole", "Boston", or any of our sports team logos, Sully's Brand has it all.

I'll link Sully's website for those of you who don't need to read the rest of this post because you're already convinced. However for those of you that are interested in reading the post let me tell you little bit about the item I bought at Sully's.

I am the proud owner of a clever and comfy Masshole T-shirt. Done in the "Jack Daniels label" style, this black and white homage to Mass townie pride is sure to be a wardrobe staple. The crew neck cotton shirt is comfortable enough for lounging around on game day, and shows off your love of the Bay State to a T. Personally, crew necks drive me bananas, so I cut a small notch on mine to loosen the neck, and add a new aesthetic touch.

One of my favorite aspects of this shirt is the word "attitude". Masshole a have plenty of it, and wearing one of my character traits can serve as a proper warning for those that come into contact with me.

Final shout out to Sully's Brand and their dedication to making their customer happy-- they included a free car freshener and bumper sticker with the shirt. While I don't drive in the city (to everyone's benefit), it was a cute touch, and definitely did not go unnoticed.

Overall, a big thanks to Sully's Brand and their fantastic products. Keep doing what you're doing guys, and stay #BostonStrong.

http://www.sullysbrand.com/ 

Dunkin' Donuts-- Our Other Religion

Coffee, coffee, coffee. I love it. It is my life-blood, the best part of my mornings. If I could get coffee administered intravenously, I would. And as a Masshole, my coffee loyalty lies with the pink and orange of Dunkin' Donuts.

We love our Dunkin', almost as much as we love the Sox (see New England Sports post for details). Walk into any high school/place of work/mall/physical space in Massachusetts, and you're likely to spot at least one Dunkin' Donuts cup. And I mean, it makes sense-- there's one every couple of exits on the highway, and one in every town in MA that matters.

Seriously.

Most of the Dunks' drinks you'll see will be iced coffee. This goes back to our inability to notice frigid temperatures, but Massholes will drink their iced Dunks in any weather. (We're kind of like the postal service of cold beverages, "neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night... will deter us from a giant iced coffee.)

Dunks has more than coffee; they serve a pretty extensive menu of dessert for breakfast, and bagels. It's actually a sweet deal-- caffeinate yourself, and carbo-load at the same time? Masshole genius.

NYC isn't immune to the power of Dunkin' Donuts (thank God). There are locations around the US that are hundreds of miles removed from a Dunks, an it always feels like I've left civilization when that happens. In New York City, I live within a 5 block radius of three, and there are two Dunks in the immediate area of my campus. While the Big Apple isn't fiercely loyal to DD like Massachusetts is, it's still a wide-spread, and gloriously easily-accessed watering hole for your caffeine (hot or iced) needs in the big city. 

You've all heard the classic tagline for Dunkin', which is "America Runs on Dunkin'". Massholes know better. With Dunks being the official coffee of most/all of our sports teams, and having locations every couple of miles around the state, we know that its us that "run on Dunkin'"

And so my dear readers, the time has come for your chance to win a Dunkin' Donuts gift card, provided by yours truly. Leave a comment on this post with your favorite song by a Boston band or your favorite thing to get at Dunks, and you could be the proud owner of a $15 Dunks gift card. Winner will be announced on Saturday. 

In Remembrance, Boston Strong

This post deviates from my usually snarky and (in my opinion) humorous posts.

On this sunny spring day, we recall the second anniversary of the Boston Marathon bombing. The whole city stood still today as bells chimed to mark the tragic event.

Today, we remember the three people who were killed in the attack and the 260+ others who were wounded. The bombing did shake our community in Boston, however it also brought us closer together. So much was lost that day, but the city banded together in courage and support.

We wear the blue and yellow in remembrance of those who were taken from us on that horrible day, those who were injured in the attack, and those who risked their own safety in order to help those who need it. 

We will never forget, and we will always remain Boston Strong.

New England Sports-- It’s a Religion

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate New England sports and all the traditions that accompany our favorite Masshole teams.

You might think I'm kidding about how seriously we Massholes take our sports, but you would be sorely mistaken. To put it in perspective, I've attended at least one Red Sox game every year since I was born, no questions asked. The fan base that surrounds New England professional sports can aptly be described as a religion (maybe even a cult, depending on the season). Keeping with the religious tone of the topic, this post will discuss the "10 Commandments of New England Pro Sports". Sit back, play some Dropkick Murphy's, and add your favorite Masshole sports tradition/team/et cetera in the comments.

1. Thou shalt admit that Fenway is truly the "Masshole Mecca". Die-hard Sox fans make it their life's mission to journey to Fenway as frequently as possible. Our stadium might not be the biggest, newest or fanciest, but it has history, sentimental value and iconic hot dogs that make the experience inimitable. 
   
2. All Massholes shall take rivalries damn seriously. Be it against the Yankees in baseball, or the Lakers in basketball, we stand by our teams, and are relentlessly loyal. These rivalries transcend borders as well, and the Bruins long-standing rivalry with the Montreal Canadiens in hockey is still fiercely present. Some may call our loyalty classless and ridiculous; we call it love. 
3. Ye shall always revere the Sox reversing the curse. The 2004 World Series was one of the greatest moments for Boston fans. It trumped every momentous event in your life, including your cousin's wedding, getting that new puppy and passing the bar (not that bar, you lush). 
4. Thou shall root for two baseball teams-- the Red Sox and whoever beats the damn Yankees. *Slogan available on t-shirts everywhere in the 617
5. Ye all secretly wish the Celtics would bring the Larry Bird- style shorts back as the team's official uniform. Short-shorts and a tucked-in shirt have never looked so good. 
   
6. Ye Masshole fans shall be constantly agitated on game day, no matter if we're winning or losing. We invest ourselves so deeply into every games that we can't sit still during for more than half an inning/quarter/period (sometimes because we're making multiple trips back to the snack bar to grab more beer and pretzels). Even when you're watching at home, the emotional investment doesn't waver  bit. Masshole-centric neighborhoods echo with the collective cheers/groans/"LUUUUUUUC"/insults at the ref during game day. 
7. Thou shalt shed a tear whenever our teams win a championship (most recently when we slayed at the Superbowl-- the tears were ever-flowing). My dad still gets weepy when anyone mentions the 2001 Pats win. Even this wicked glorious image makes you a little teary in the best possible way.
   
8. Ye all (men and women) will openly admit Tom Brady is a national treasure, and supporting his gorgeous face both on and off the field. The man, the myth, the legend, the perfection. 
9. Ye shall attend at least one Rhode Island Pawtucket Red Sox games once in your life. Go take a little road trip to McCoy Stadium.The minor leagues deserve our support just as much as the big guys. 
10. Thou shalt take joy in upholding the traditions of sporting events. Singing "Sweet Caroline" at a Sox game, tailgating in the Gillette Stadium parking lot before at Pats game, getting an iconic Fenway Frank, and hating the Habs are all part of being a Boston fan, and we wouldn't trade it for all the Yankees World Series pennants. 
    

New York sports teams are arguably the biggest rivals of New England teams, the Yankees, and Giants being two of the more (in)famous ones. The nightmare of wearing a Boston jersey in any of the 5 boroughs is wicked real (I may be a crazy Masshole, but I’m not insane-- you’ll never catch me in a Big Papi shirt above 125^th street). And to any “Massholes” who own a Yankees hat, get your priorities straight and come back to the light side—we have Belichick. 

Dunks of the Day: Iced coffee (IT'S WICKED NICE WEATHER OUT HALLE-FRICKIN-LUJAH!) with blueberry flavor. I'm not going to bother talking about the Sweet'n'Low count...

Bang a U-ey or Get off the Road-- The Masshole’s Guide to Driving

Over the decades, we have earned the reputation for being highly efficient/aggressive drivers who have no idea what a turn signal is, and disregard speed limits like it is our job. To out-of-state drivers traversing our highways and scenic routes, we are hazards behind the wheel, and a menace to public safety. To our own people, we are just Massholes.

According to Urban Dictionary (my go-to source), the most commonly used meaning of “Masshole” refers to the driving habits of people in the Bay State. Having gotten my driver’s license in MA and driven there for a few years, I can fully attest to this claim.

 There is always an appropriate reason to refer to another driver as a “Masshole”— erratic driving, excessive aggression, DRIVING 20 MPH BELOW THE SPEED LIMIT ON 495, (personal pet peeve) et cetera are all acceptable justifications for saying “Masshole”. If someone cuts you off in traffic, you call him a Masshole; maybe you give them a single-fingered wave. If someone backs down the highway because they missed their exit ramp, you ask/scream what the name of God they are thinking and you call them a crazy bleeping Masshole.

We’ve all seen it happen.

There are several ‘Masshole rules of the road’ that are vital when driving in MA, but rarely (if ever) apply to any other locale’s driving etiquette. For any out-of-towners who want to drive through MA or vacation there, follow these unwritten laws to survive the heart attacks of I-90, potholes, and us Massholes.

1. Blinkers are optional. If I’m going to make that turn, I don’t need to run it past you by using my blinker to make sure you’re cool with it. However, I’ll be livid when you merge lanes without a turn signal.
2. It’s not speeding if you have somewhere important to be. You’re going places and you wanna do it fast. And speed limits are guidelines anyways.
3. “Banging a U-ey” (making a U-turn) is always acceptable if you can do it fast enough.
4.  Watch out for the “Masshole Merge”— this is when a driver crosses all lanes on a highway in one fell swoop. It can be jarring for other people on the road, but it’s better than that same guy backing down the highway to make his exit.
   
5. Spring driving in MA is like slalom skiing in a motor vehicle. The potholes are everywhere and deep enough to hide a body in. Avoiding those craters in the road is an Olympic-level challenge. (See first GIF on this post for visual example). 
6. Road Rage-- it’s an art form. From screaming belligerently at other drivers who can't hear you, to throwing your hands up in frustration/confusion/incredulity, all Massholes know that the open road is the best place to express your emotions. It's even better than your therapist's office.
7. For safety reasons, always look both ways when running a red light. This is self explanatory. 
8. If you're going the "wrong way" on a one-way street, don't panic-- all streets are one way because your driving in a single direction. But be alert. When you are on a one way street, stay to the right to allow for oncoming traffic to pass. 

Of course, there are dozens of other Masshole Rules of the Road that I haven't listed, but use this list as your starter kit for driving in the Bay State. Leave a comment with your must-have driving rule/driving pet peeve/best Masshole moment behind the wheel. 

Dunks of the Day: Dunkies 'Regular' Iced Coffee (Massholes ya feel me?) 

Stay tuned to win a DD gift card in the next couple of posts. 

Boston vs NYC: Duking out the Greatest Rivalry Since Cain and Abel

As I mentioned in my first post, I'm a born-and-bred Masshole who moved to New York City a couple of years ago. I've been lucky enough to spend my life in the best cities in MA and NY, and don't even try to argue otherwise. Neither Worcester nor Albany could hold a birthday-cake-candle to Boston and NYC. Conversely, Worcester and Albany don't argue like bratty step-siblings about everything (*ahem* Boston and NYC). Whether it be sports, public transit, or famous food, these cities and their inhabitants can't seem to agree on the right way to do anything, because of course 'our' way is always best. 

Both cities have special spots in my heart (only the Boston spot bleeds when one of our sports teams loses, but more on that later). Like all things, Boston and ze Big Apple each have a plethora of pros and cons, so I'm gonna hash out the pluses (+) and minuses (--) for my favorite metropolises. 

Boston

+Riding the swan boats and climbing all over the Make Way for Ducklings statues in Boston Common is a rite-of-passage for any Masshole kid (or adult-- the fun transcends age and "maturity").

+Boston and MA as a whole have some of the richest histories in the country. In fact, the Founding Fathers heard Paul Revere's warning from their Massachusetts homes. And they definitely weren't tossing tea into the Gulf of Mexico.

Swan Boats at the Public Garden

Yours truly with the Ducklings statues

--Driving or even walking through Boston requires a compass and whistle for when I inevitably get lost, have to hug a mailbox, and shout for help.The subway doesn't run all night, and when it is running, the MBTA finds some way to make life difficult (three hour delays anyone?). 

--Reasonably priced parking near any desirable location? Dream on. It's usually an expensive nightmare, and especially annoying when you kill your rental car’s battery in the $22/hour Prudential parking lot and don't have your AAA card. Not that that ever happened to me at midnight a couple days before Christmas... 

NYC
+I don’t have to drive! Hallelujah for my wallet because my insurance costs are higher than Snoop Dogg was in the 90's. The extensive subway system and your feet can take you everywhere [worth going]; far away areas of Queens and the Bronx need not apply.
+New York has a definite magnetism. Be it Rockefeller Plaza at Christmas, or the East Village on a random Friday night, New York draws you in. Listening to some Frank Sinatra and walking to Grand Central Station creates a better high than any drug (crack is whack, stay in school). 

Walk this way to public transit.

--It usually reeks in New York, and it's pretty inescapable. Pray for a perpetual sinus infection to be spared from the NYC stench.
--The Yankees. Enough said. #ReversedTheCurse2004

The Big Apple and Boston aren't always at odds with one another, in fact they have a fair amount of common ground. Both these cities are home to nasty rivers-- NYC's East River is a glorified body dumping ground (I've never seen one, but Law&Order SVU would suggest otherwise). And in Boston, the Charles is still toxic, even after all the cleaning attempts over the decades. NYC and Boston can boast intensely prideful inhabitants (I <3 NY and #BostonStrong, anyone?), and we effing love our sports teams.

Dunks of the Day
Large Vanilla Iced Coffee. 6 Splendas. Not enough caffeine.

America and I run on Dunks

It’s Always Shorts Weather, Man Up

Ah, the icy tundra with the howling winds. Snow. Snow everywhere. The blinding whiteness reflecting the sun's luminescent rays as I pulled onto the Mass Pike. I zip through the falling flakes as some Masshole in a Jeep honks and waves at me with one finger...
Fond memories of winter/last week in MA.

For those of you living outside of the Bay State, you may not be aware of the insane amount of snow that fell there this winter. Central Mass looked like Syracuse, it was so covered in the powdery white stuff (no, I'm not talking about drugs). The snow banks in my hometown were 10 feet high (as estimated by the most reliable measuring source around-- my father). Massachusetts was the true location of the snow-pocalypse, and laid claim to 3 of the 5 top snowiest US cities this winter.

Snow stats 2015

Needless to say, I'm grateful to have avoided the shoveling by camping out here in New York. Here in Big Apple, the number of feet of snow that we got rhymes with "hero", and I'm pretty okay with that. The funny thing is that even though New York had a wicked mild winter, people were bundled up like Arctic explorers. This silly layering-and-three-scarves idea is unfathomable to me, because in MA it's always shorts weather.

After a certain point, it doesn't matter where we are going, be it to Dunkies or a concert, the shorts come on, and the calves come out. Maybe the cold has affected our decision-making skills. Maybe we're too thick-headed to notice the frigid temperatures.Whether its sunny and 75, or snowing and below freezing, you can always find Massholes living their lives (and thriving) in completely weather-inappropriate clothes.

Walk into any Mass high school in December, and you'll find a ridiculous number of students rocking the cargo shorts and Timberland boots. Throw on a New England college or sport team's shirt and you're the Karl Lagerfeld of MA fashion (at least in the 413 to the 508). Girls participate in this trend with the mini-skirt and Ugg boots combo. It definitely isn't stylish, but it's the regulated Masshole winter uniform.

A Masshole teenager in traditional winter dress

To sum it up... Yes, I know that there's snow on the ground. No, I don't mind the wind on my knees at all, Yes Mom, I'll be warm enough. And hell yes I'll still be drinking an iced Dunks coffee in a blizzard.

Daily Dunks: Raspberry Iced Tea that I sorely wished was coffee. I'm not addicted, I promise.

No One Parks in Harvard Yard

Hi there, and welcome to Masshole in the Big Apple-- a blog where you'll find posts about how to pronounce Massachusetts towns like Leicester (it's only two syllables), tips and tricks to survive rush-hour driving on the Mass Pike, and the religion that is New England Sports, plus my New York-perspective on the Masshole culture.

Now, for those of you unfamiliar with this terminology, let me give you a quick break down, courtesy of DWowww on Urban Dictionary:

"1.) According to an outsider... the word Masshole is used to describe someone from Massachusetts who is a bad driver, obnoxious, belligerent, and arrogant.

2.) To a Masshole... it's a word we take with the utmost pride. We consider it a compliment.
We're not bad drivers...it's actually more like efficient aggressiveness. Maybe it pisses you off, but hey we get to where we need to be in a timely manner.

Obnoxious & belligerent? Yes. But this is something we also take with pride. Who cares if I'm dancing on my chair at a Sox game singing 'Sweet Caroline' at the top of my lungs while double fisting 2 beers? I sure don't...and if you do, then I'm having more fun than you are.

And arrogant? Abso-freaking-lutely."

Being a born-and-bred Bay-Stater, I can confirm all of these attributes as necessary qualifications to achieve Masshole-status, and that we love this (slightly) profane label.
While Massachusetts and New York have been in the biggest rivalry since Cain and Abel, I've been lucky enough to experience and love both of these great places. 

Stay tuned for a 'Dunks of the Day' post featuring a daily drink of the gods (aka Dunkin coffee) and a chance to win a DD gift card.

P.S. If you try to "pahk ya cah at Hahvad Yahd", you'll fersure get towed. Parking on a campus quad is considered a no-no, even to Masshole drivers.

Harvard Yard at Harvard University